


Story Ending

by Kaddi



Category: Sengoku Basara
Genre: M/M, Mitsunari and Sakon don't end up together, lots of drama for most part but a good ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-07
Updated: 2015-06-07
Packaged: 2018-04-03 08:53:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4094728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaddi/pseuds/Kaddi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because what the Anime Ending of Sakon's Story shows totally isn't what really happened</p>
            </blockquote>





	Story Ending

**Author's Note:**

> This piece was written by my sister! I was merely given permission to upload!

This can't be happening. It doesn't make sense.

Why would – how could things go so terribly wrong?

I don't understand – I _can't_ understand how this can be...

 

It can't be real.

 

But alas it is all too real.

 

Right now I'm dodging – jumping, rolling, flipping – to evade a blade flashing through the air.

A blade I know all too well, performing attacks I know all too well, because it belongs to a _person_ I know all too well.

A person I know, normally, but who is now unrecognizable.

 

How could it come to this?

 

I have called out, screamed, _begged_ for him to see reason – to come to his senses – I still am! – but it all falls on deaf ears and he is still glaring at me with _those eyes –_ glowing red eyes so full of anger and hatred and desperation and pain.

 

And that hurts more than anything else.

More than the ache I feel in every muscle, more than all the bruises and cuts in my flesh and more than the knowledge that death is just a hair's breadth away, that every moment now that blade will deal me an injury I won't survive.

 

No, what hurts most are those eyes and his enraged screams.

Because they show me that he – that Mitsunari-sama actually believes – is so _convinced_ that I betrayed him, that I'm siding with the man who killed Hideyoshi-sama and Hanbei-sama.

He accuses me of being an assassin after his head!

 

How can he think that?!

How can he even _consider_ the _possibility_ that I could - ?

 

This can't be happening! There is no way this can be happening!

 

I have chased after him this whole time, I ran from Naotra-chan's castle to Osaka and then followed him to Sawayama, and now that I have finally caught up to him -

 

How can Mitsunari-sama believe that I would betray him?

 

Why do I have to fight _for my life_ right now?

Why do I have to fight against _Mitsunari-sama_?!

Why – Kami, why?!

 

“Mitsunari-sama! Please, listen to me! I'm not – Kami knows I would _never_ \- !“

 

“Silence! Enough of your lies! Be quiet and _die_!!”

 

It doesn't work! No matter what I try, I just can't get through to him.

 

This can't be happening. This can't be real.

 

“Mitsunari-sama!”

 

“Die! Die! Die! Die! _DIE!_ ”

 

For the first time since forever, I just want to cry.

I really feel like curling up somewhere and having an emotional break down.

I want to cry for Hanbei-sama, who is _dead_ – _gone_ just like that, never to come back.

I want to cry for the Toyotomi, who lost both their leaders today and are now without guidance, without order, without purpose.

Maybe I'll even cry for Hideyoshi-sama while I'm at it, though I never really liked him.

But most of all, I want to cry for Mitsunari-sama.

My beloved lord, who is so desperately trying to kill me now.

 

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?! Why?! Why?! WHY?!

 

“MITSUNARI-SAMA!!”

 

My voice is a screech now. I would've never imagined that it can be this shrill and high. But it still can't get through the anger and _madness_ and reach him.

 

And I actually _am_ crying now, which really is a very stupid thing to do, because I can't see properly and now have to rely only on instinct and good reflexes to dodge the slashes meant to cut me to pieces.

But it's not like I can help it.

 

It's all not working.

I have come all this way and now, no matter what I try, it doesn't work.

There is nothing I can do. Nothing!

 

This can't be happening.

 

I'm going to die here.

I'm going to die, because this can only end with one of us dead and there is no way I'll be able to kill Mitsunari-sama.

Not even when my life depends on it.

 

And then Mitsunari-sama will go on, kill more people in his madness – perhaps even Ieyasu-dono himself – before someone manages to kill him.

For the rest of his life, he will grieve over Hideyoshi-sama and Hanbei-sama and his suffering will eat at his heart, allowing darkness to consume his soul and change him into something that isn't him, that isn't even human anymore or alive for that matter.

 

Something that is only driven by the desire for revenge and brings only misery to everyone.

Something like the Mitsunari-sama standing across from me.

 

Is this truly the fate laid out for us? Is there really no way around it?

 

When I stand on my feet again after another acrobatic dodge, I blink furiously to clear my vision, while my arms instinctively raise my twin blades protectively in front of me.

 

And then I look at him.

I see a young man with silver hair, crouched in a fighting position, blood-stained rips in his clothing, odachi clenched tightly in his hands, darkness clinging to his frame, face twisted in fury, teeth bared, eyes glowing red and bleeding down his cheeks.

In front of me stands a creature of darkness, a spirit of vengeance.

 

This is not my lord, but merely a shadow of him.

This is my lord, driven mad by his grief.

 

My fingers grip my weapons tighter as images flash through my mind.

He races across the battlefield in flashes of silver and purple, a phantom, barely visible to the untrained eye. His movements fluent and swift, mesmerizing in their deadly perfection.

He looks over his shoulder, features annoyed, and utters a derisive remark, caustic as always.

The troops pass the moat of Osaka Castle. He holds himself proud and dignified despite his tiredness, his expression firmly set in his trademark scowl, but there is a shine in his eyes from the feeling of coming home.

 

I refuse.

It is not true, there is a way and I refuse to believe anything else!

 

Like I'll accept defeat this easily!

 

If this is what Fate has decided for us, then it just means I will have to change it myself!

 

I _will_ find a way to bring Mitsunari-sama back to his senses, no matter what!

 

And I can already think of one thing I haven't tried yet.

 

He lunges at me again with another enraged cry and I backflip.

 

Well, here goes nothing!

 

When I come down again, I try – and miraculously succeed – to land right on the blade meant to cut off my head. I cross my twin swords and drive them into the ground on both sides of the odachi.

It won't take the weapon out of commission, but the cross prevents it from moving upward.

Meaning: if he wants to swing his sword at me again, Mitsunari-sama can't do so right away, but has to pull it out from beneath the twin blades first, which gets me a few precious extra seconds.

And that is all I need for this.

 

_Sometimes in life you have to take a gamble._

 

From my crouched position, I look up at him.

Me landing on his blade and thus forcing it flat to the ground ripped the hilt out of his hand, leaving him standing there weaponless and unmoving in a moment of surprise.

 

_And I will take this one._

 

Then I let go of my swords and shoot upward.

 

Mitsunari-sama jerks back reflexively, but I have already taken hold of his shoulders, keeping him in place.

 

And that's when the rest of my mind manages to catch up to what my body is doing and the part tasked with thinking rational and estimating the consequences of my actions tries to call a halt before it's too late.

 

But instead of a halt, my body is merely thrown slightly off course, which results in me smashing my cheek into his jaw.

 

Then I decide to boldly ignore all rational thoughts and warnings popping up in my mind – there is no time for second thoughts – and pull myself further up. I brush my lips against his cheekbone, before pressing my cheek against his and wrapping my arms around him tightly.

 

“Please, Mitsunari-sama... this isn't you. Come to your senses.”

 

With the rush of movement over, I have time to think while I wait for him to react. Cue for the second thoughts.

 

Truth be told, I have not thought this through at all.

I was contemplating what I should do when the idea suddenly popped into my head and I just went with it.

But now my brain seems to be more than happy to detail all the small and not so small reasons why this was a very bad idea.

 

I kissed him. I just went and kissed Mitsunari-sama on his cheek.

What. Was. I. Thinking?

Nothing to be precise, I know, but still... I seriously messed up.

 

And then there is the matter of 'did it work?' of course.

I can only hope that a drastically unorthodox method like this startles him enough to break through the crazed haze around his mind.

 

So I wait anxiously and try very hard to at least appear calm outwardly.

 

At least he isn't trying to kill me right now.

In fact, he isn't doing anything except being frozen in place.

With how close I am to him right now, I can feel how tense he is and is he even breathing? I don't feel him breathe, but perhaps that's only because I am too distracted by my own breathing and my blood pounding in my ears.

 

There is a shaky intake of air and then: “Sa...kon?”

 

Never before have I been so glad to hear him say my name.

He is not screaming anymore and there is no blind rage in his voice.

It is enough to make my heart leap in my chest and seize at the thought that maybe – _finally_ -

 

A hand is placed against my chest and I let myself be pushed back slowly until I see his bewildered expression complete with wide grey eyes and I don't quite know if I should grin like a fool or sob like a moron.

Consequently, I end up doing both partially at the same time, which means I'm smiling while there are tears running down my cheeks and I know I must look like an idiot right now, but I don't care.

 

“Welcome back, Mitsunari-sama”, I say and I don't care either that my voice is shaking with emotion and hoarse from all the screaming.

 

Mitsunari-sama blinks and stares at me and he looks so absolutely adorable all confused and uncomprehending that I want to kiss him crazy.

 

But I don't, of course, because I know he wouldn't appreciate me smothering him with kisses when he has no idea what's going on and besides he only thinks of me as a vassal who he is on semi-friendly terms with and it's best to keep it that way.

 

Which brings me back to the topic of how terribly I have messed up with that peck on the cheek.

I can only hope that through the haze of his madness and the following shock and surprise he wasn't able to pay attention to details.

 

But back to the situation at hand, I have some explaining to do.

 

I manage to remind myself that it would be best not to mention Hideyoshi-sama and Hanbei-sama as much, lest the reminder causes Mitsunari-sama to fall back into frenzy, before I start babbling away.

 

“You were not yourself. When I had caught up to you here, you went bonkers on me and tried to kill me -”

 

Mitsunari-sama looks around as if he realizes just now where he is and frowns. I know that although it may not look like it, he is listening to my story regardless, so I continue.

 

“- because you somehow got the stupid idea that I defected and would try to assassinate you. I tried to talk sense into you, but you refused to listen to me, so we ended up fighting - “

Meanwhile Mitsunari-sama lifts his hand and touches his left cheek, which is glistening softly, and I realize only now that I have smeared my tears on him during my hug. His expression is contemplative and -

 

Wait. Wai-wai-wait.

There, the place on his cheekbone where his fingers are now, isn't that where I kissed him?

Crap. So he does remember after all?

Not good. Not good at all.

But maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. Hopefully.

 

I continue on and try to hide my anxiety.

I don't need to make him suspicious.

 

“So I was getting kinda desperate here, because nothing was working, and then had that stupid idea to -”

To what? 'To hug you'? Putting it like that makes it sound incredibly weird, so I just abandon the sentence and continued on.

“I apologize, Mitsunari-sama. My actions were indecent, but I couldn't think of anything else, so I just -”

I shrug helplessly and leave that sentence hanging, too.

 

“- kissed me?”, Mitsunari-sama fills in.

 

“Eh?”, is my very intelligent, startled reply to that.

I stare at him, hoping I have somehow misheard, while I know very well that I understood him perfectly.

 

Mitsunari-sama holds my gaze as he speaks and I can only watch with rising dread.

“You kissed me.”

He raises two fingers to his cheekbone.

“Right there.”

There is no accusation or anger or disgust in his grey eyes, but there is also no doubt and they clearly demand an answer, and for me that is just as bad.

 

… can a hole open up beneath me, please?

 

I should probably come up with a sensible explanation – and fast – but my thoughts are hopelessly spinning and all I can think is _he knows_.

 

Mitsunari-sama is asking me why I kissed him.

That's past the point of 'not good'. It's a freaking _catastrophe_.

“W-well... I guess I did...”

 

… and I seriously want to bash my head in now.

After endless seconds of gaping like a fish, that's all I can come up with?

Way to go, Sakon!

 

Maybe this is Fate getting back at me.

My attempt to save my lord and my own life leads to me committing emotional suicide.

Her idea of humor is sick.

 

“Why?”

 

I grimace. Blunt as always, Mitsunari-sama.

I would call his straightforwardness cruel, if I didn't know that he truly is completely oblivious to how unanswerable his question is.

 

“U-um... it's... hard to explain...”

 

Perhaps I would've been able to play it off. Scratch my head with an embarrassed laugh and say it was an accident. Of course it wasn't an accident and Mitsunari-sama knows that as well, but maybe he would've believed me because it sounds reasonable.

 

Yes, maybe I _would have_. If I hadn't looked at him like a rabbit facing cavalry and started stuttering nonsense.  1

 

He is still looking at me and nods briefly, wordlessly telling me to start talking, because _of course_ he takes my words literally and thinks that there _really_ is a long-winded explanation for why I kissed him, instead of catching the obvious hint that I _don't_ want to talk about it.

 

And I just can't seem to come up with anything sensible to say.

 

“W-well... you see... it's kinda... like...”

 

The sharpness in his eyes is replaced with puzzlement and he frowns, and I duck my head slightly in embarrassment.

 

C'mon, Sakon! Pull yourself together!

 

And to make matters worse, I think I'm blushing. Great.

 

And of course Mitsunari-sama is going to notice, because there is no way he cannot with me literally in his face. Double great.

 

… okay, reminding myself of our current position was _not_ a good idea.

Because now I am suddenly hyper-aware that there aren't so much as two Sun between my face and his and that my arms are still wrapped around his shoulders and is his hand really still lying on my chest? 2

 

Perhaps I should put more distance between us.

But then again it will probably be more awkward if I suddenly jump back from him as if he just bit my nose or something, than merely staying like this is. And besides he doesn't seem to care about the lack of space between us.

 

But now I can't bring myself to not care about it and this situation feels even more awkward.

 

I have to force myself not to start fidgeting and of course now the heat in my face reaches to the tips of ears.

If I get any redder, I'll probably have Mitsunari-sama ask me if I'm running a fever.

 

“Sakon?”

 

Oh, come on, Fate! It was a joke! You can't seriously make him ask-

 

“Yes?”

… I was going for 'calm and composed', but I missed by a Ri. 3

 

“You are not explaining.”

 

On one side I want to be glad that my guess was wrong, but on the other is this not any better.

 

“I know, just... give me a moment.”

 

He is silent after that and I close my eyes and try to take deep breaths and calm down.

 

Now let it be said that Shima Sakon is not easily embarrassed and never to the extend that it causes uncontrollable blushing, fidgeting and stammering.

In fact, there are many who envy me because of how calm and natural I act when I'm doing something that would normally be embarrassing, and that includes casually talking to very pretty women, even those I may have a serious crush on.

 

But that doesn't help me in my current situation, because I'm not talking to some pretty woman I'm temporarily doting on.

I'm talking to Mitsunari-sama.

 

I know that in an army it's not unusual to see two men together.

After all they're all grown men with physical needs and with the shortage of women on a campaign, they turn to each other instead. (Okay, that sounded a bit weird... anyways-)

It's completely normal and not something to make a fuss over.

I also know that men of rank sometimes take their subordinates to their beds, so in theory there should be no problem with me having a thing for Mitsunari-sama.

 

What makes this so difficult is not our rank or gender, but rather Mitsunari-sama himself.

 

Mitsunari-sama is a high-ranking, skilled, young warrior who doesn't look half bad, so naturally there are quite a number of people – men and women – who fancy him.

But not many dare to approach him, because he has made quite clear what he thinks of these... admirers. I remember the sharp glares he throws at everyone who so much as looks at him in a sexual way and how he coldly rejects every courtship.

Mitsunari-sama is not interested in long-term romantic relationships, because he believes them to distract him from his tasks, and he rejects one-time flings, because they are disgraceful to him.

And then there's the thing with him not being much of a people person.

 

Considering that, it is surprising that he isn't insulted and furious at my kiss, but then again he knows that I am well aware of his opinion on romance and seems to believe that I would not do something like that without a good reason.

It's a pity that although I'm lucky he spares me of his wrath, I still manage to make this situation go downhill.

 

Talking to pretty women is no problem for me because I am

self-confident.

I know that I have good looks and a fun personality and I know that if they are interested in a love affair, there aren't many reasons why it shouldn't be with me. And if they wave me away, I'm not bothered.

I don't have to be afraid of ending a relationship, because there are never intense feelings involved on my side.

As a rule I don't get together with anyone because I want to marry and settle down with them. It is always something temporary, an affair with no strings attached. All I feel for them is infatuation, a crush that will disappear over time.

 

But _this –_ this is different. I'm not self-confident now, because for the first time I have to actually _fear_ being told off. It will hurt – it will hurt a lot because I'm in too deep.

I can't take his rejection, because _this_ is more than a crush.

 

And that's why I can't give Mitsunari-sama an explanation for that stupid peck on his cheek.

 

I seriously feel like a terrible person for all the times I have laughed at people who make such a fuss over confessing their love. Because being in the same situation now, I finally understand how... difficult it is.

 

But there isn't really any way around this. I can't keep stalling for much longer, so I'd better come up with something to say.

 

I don't have to actually say that I love him, right? Won't it be enough to say that I have a thing for him?

It's a blatant understatement, of course, but perhaps that will satisfy him.

 

Now that that's clear, I take a last deep breath and brace myself.

Then I open my eyes and look up.

 

… and I realize my mistake immediately.

 

Some people say that Mitsunari-sama has a wraithlike appearance, that with his silver hair and pale skin he looks like a ghost.

Others consider the unusual coloring to make him look mysterious and think that with his lean build and sharp features he is quite attractive.

 

What they forget is that the Ishida Clan is said to be favored by Tsukuyomi. 4

And thus Mitsunari-sama may look terribly out of place during daylight, but at night – in the moon god's domain – with silvery light making his hair glow platinum and skin alabaster – his appearance is no less spectral but instead of ghastly it makes him look breathtakingly beautiful.

 

So I stare at him, as the clouds in the night sky disappear and the full moon shines on Sawayama Castle, and once again realize just how much I _love_ Ishida Mitsunari.

 

… looks like he isn't going to get that explanation after all.

 

He looks back at me expectantly, but when I prove to be utterly frozen, he frowns, then scowls at me in irritation.

I can't blame him, after all my behavior must really be pushing his patience, which isn't that plentiful to begin with.

 

I open my mouth and try to say something – anything at this point – but it seems like I'm temporarily mute and can only gape at him like a fish – again.

 

He seems about ready to snap at me, but pauses and instead regards me with a contemplative look. His sharp grey eyes study me intensely and yep – cue for my face to grow hot – again.

 

Can't anything work in my favor for a change?

 

I try to regain my composure and find my voice – I really do – but with him studying me like that, moonlight making him look like an otherwordly, divine being, there is no way I can.

 

So after endless, torturous moments I can't stand to look at those eyes any longer and avert my gaze. I stare at the purple fabric of his collar and curse myself with anything I can think of, because seriously –

how can it be possible for me to mess up like this?

And why is my blush only getting worse?

 

Frustrated, I ball my hands into fists, lower my head and squeeze my eyes shut.

 

“Sakon.”

His voice is admonishing, but I don't move.

 

Next there are fingers taking a hold of my hair and my head is pulled back. Yet, I still refuse to open my eyes.

He can't seriously expect me to look at him, while I am blushing to the tips of my ears and can feel his breath on my skin.

But with me not seeing anything, it comes as a complete surprise when I suddenly feel lips against my own.

 

What?

 

I jerk in shock and my eyes snap wide open.

 

“Mitsunari-sama?”

I whisper, because I don't want to find out what my voice would sound like if I tried to talk in a normal volume.

 

He is so close that his hair is tickling my nose and my lips brush his as I speak. His grey eyes look at me sharply, an expression I know all too well, because it is usually directed my way when he wants me to shut up and/or stop fooling around.

 

Then he kisses me again.

 

And I don't understand anything anymore.

 

What?!

 

The rational part of my mind is frozen in uncomprehending stupor and then breaks down, because the world doesn't make sense anymore.

Meanwhile another large portion of my brain can only think ' _Kami, Mitsunari-sama is kissing me!'_ and doesn't provide much help either.

So with my mind largely out of commission, I guess I'm acting on impulse now?

 

Whatever. When you don't understand anything, just go with it.

 

And when the grip in my hair tightens and he deepens the kiss, I close my eyes and just let him do as he pleases.

 

Mitsunari-sama is completely inexperienced when it comes to kissing, since he has never had a reason to try it before what with him seeing romance as a waste of time and all, and I can't help but spare a moment of surprise at the fact that even so he pulls it off rather well, although there is absolutely no technique to it whatsoever.

 

Although I am more experienced in the matter, I honestly don't have a clue what I should be doing either. I have only ever kissed women before and being kissed by Mitsunari-sama proves to be something entirely different.

So I am hesitant when I respond and cautiously move my lips against his. At the same time I want to slap myself, because, Sakon, you are not supposed to be this timid!

 

Unexpectedly, he catches on rather quickly and copies my movements, which leaves me trembling with frayed nerves and odd tingles.

 

How did we end up like this again?

Wasn't I in a life or death situation the last time I thought: 'this can't be happening'? And wasn't said life or death situation just minutes ago?

 

But then he moves his other arm around my back and I gasp as he tugs on my lip with his teeth. And I decide that I just don't care anymore.

 

Because _Mitsunari-sama_ is _kissing_ me and I can die happily now.

 

I hold onto the back of his neck, run my fingers through his hair and abandon all hesitation and second thoughts and thinking in general and kiss him back.

 

By the time we break apart, I am panting for breath, shivering slightly and positively giddy.

Never has anyone made me feel like this.

 

I open my eyes to see him looking at me.

There is comprehension in his expression now and I almost want to laugh. Of course. Only Mitsunari-sama would kiss someone to affirm that they are in love with him, because it's not like all the other signs are obvious enough.

 

My apprehension chooses this moment to return with a vengeance and I look down and bite my lip as I worry what he will do now that he knows.

 

“For how long... have you felt this way about me?”

 

I chance a quick glance up at him, but his features are carefully controlled and even his eyes don't show me how he feels about this.

 

I might as well be honest with him, so I take a shaky breath and gather myself, before I trust myself to hold his gaze again.

 

“You are really good at asking difficult questions, you know?”

I give him a smile that is probably just as timid as I feel.

He regards me with a confused frown and this time I can't keep myself from chuckling slightly. Yep, oblivious as always.

 

Then I sigh and stare at the sky as I speak. “I don't know... This is not something that simply appears out of the blue one day. It just...”

 

I look down and inspect his collar again, running my fingers lightly across the fabric.

 

“... grew over time”, I continue softly, “and when I finally realized what it was I couldn't tell anymore when it had started.”

 

I make eye contact again and my smile is a bit less shaky this time.

“And before you ask me why I haven't told you about this: you don't exactly have a good reputation when it comes to dealing with this kind of thing.”

And that's the understatement of the era.

 

He scoffs in contempt.

“I do not see how these incidents relate to this. Of course I do not take kindly to people who approach me with romantic intent when they are only after the power that comes with my rank or have taken a liking to my appearance. Their feelings for me are superficial at best and disgraceful in other cases. I needn't waste my time on them. But you-”

 

He pauses then and when he speaks again, the enraged tone has disappeared from his voice.

“You are different. You serve me. You _know_ me. Know me long and well enough that an idealized vision of me created by infatuation should have long disappeared. Of course I handle this matter differently.”

 

I can feel my heart flutter at his words.

He places me above all the other people who fancy him. Above all the fair ladies, above all the men who are so much... _better_ than me.

Now, I have never felt like less of a person compared to them.

But I do know that there are others I can never hope to match, in various areas. Wealth, lineage, rank, beauty, skills...

But Mitsunari-sama doesn't care about that. He turns every one of them down, without minding that he hurts their feelings.

Knowing that he won't deal me this cold rejection makes me feel a whole lot better. Ridiculously so.

 

His eyes search mine and in them I can see incomprehension and a hint of frustration. _“How?_ How can you feel that way about me?”

I can only smile at that. Unanswerable question again.

“I don't think I can answer that question, Mitsunari-sama. It's not like I chose to feel like this, it simply happened. I've known all along that I could never hope for my feelings to be returned. You don't care about romance after all, so I have always been convinced that I would pretty much set myself up for heartbreak, should I ever tell you about this.”

 

I realize now where I am going with that speech and for a moment, I think about cutting it off – but no, I can't.

I'm finally being truthful to him. I can't do things by halves now, because who knows if I'll ever get a chance to talk to him like this.

Or have the courage to do it.

So I fight through the tightening of my chest.

“But in all honesty, Mitsunari-sama, I have never really cared about that – I still don't. All I want is to serve you, to stay by your side -“

And I force the words out. “ - for as long as I live. That's more than enough for me.”

 

I can't believe I just said that. 'Stay by your side for as long as I live'? How can I be that incredibly cheesy?

 

But it's true. It's so very true.

I will stay with him no matter what may happen.

Otherwise I wouldn't be here right now.

 

I love him.

The feeling is so intense that I can barely breathe, but I force myself to stay calm, because I do not want to be reduced to a sobbing mess in front of him – again.

 

Mitsunari-sama stares at me for a long moment. He does not do anything but look at me with his penetrating grey eyes that seem to see straight into my soul, but show nothing of his in return.

 

Then he talks and his voice is quiet, so very quiet that it doesn't sound like him at all. “I do not deserve this love.”

 

I blink at him, surprised, because I don't know where that suddenly comes from.

 

And he continues, still in that too quiet voice.

“I am not worthy to be loved – not when I cannot love in return. And especially not by you – not like this.”

 

His voice gets louder now and I am still too stunned to react.

 

“What is there about me to be loved?!”

 

And suddenly his hand is on my arm and I flinch at a sharp bolt of pain. I glance down and see blood.

A cut, one of quite a few that _he_ gave me tonight.

I look up at him again and the tumult in his eyes takes my breath away.

 

“ _This_ is my fault. You stayed with me – you stayed with me when _any_ other _reasonable_ person would have left and _this_ is what I gave you in return. I tried to kill you! I could have succeeded! _How_ can you still claim to love me?!”

 

“You were not yourself.”

I counter – automatically – because that is what I believe.

 

“That doesn't make me any less guilty!”

He yells back – in return – because that is what he believes.

 

And I think I just realized that I can't take any more emotional turmoil.

… after I have already reached my breaking point.

 

Yep, nothing ever works in my favor. Thanks, Fate.

 

“Don't say that, Mitsunari-sama.”

I whisper and almost choke, because my chest is too tight.

“Don't ever say that.”

 

And then my hands are in his hair again and I kiss him.

 

He doesn't move – doesn't react – only stands there – as if his mind hasn't caught up with the turn of events yet.

And who can blame him? I myself have no idea what's going on.

I only know that his lips feel wonderful against mine and yield to them perfectly.

 

And then I move away from his mouth and kiss his nose – the tip – the bridge – and along his cheekbone and his temple and his eyebrow and his forehead and down his nose again to his lips.

 

And I vaguely remember that not so long ago I had resisted the urge to smother him with kisses for the reason that it would have been inappropriate or something like that.

But now I don't care, because his skin is warm and soft against my lips and I run my fingers through his hair and I am crying and trembling like crazy and _kami, I love him so much_.

 

And I am talking – babbling nonsense between kisses and random sobs.

 

“Never dare to say something like that again – Never ever say that – Don't you dare believe what you said, Mitsunari-sama – How can you question me like that? – How can you say that you can't be loved? – You don't understand – You don't understand how much I love you – It is not your place to decide if you are worthy of my love or deserve it – I love you, that's a fact, so deal with it.”

 

I have to pause, because by now, I can hardly breathe through my tears. So I focus on taking shaky in- and exhales and just look at him, but I never stop stroking his hair between my fingers.

 

He stares back at me – grey eyes wide – and I just now notice that he is shaking as much as I am. Then his mouth opens, as if he wants to say something, but instead all the sound he can make is a sharp gasp.

 

He looks so young like this. Completely lost and so very young.

He is usually so self-confident and brash and determined, which makes it so easy to forget that he is not much older than I am and more of a child in many ways.

 

I smile – soft and watery, but no less of a true, genuine smile – and lean forward until my nose touches his and all I can see are his wide, grey eyes.

 

“I love you, Ishida Mitsunari”, I whisper, slowly and quietly, as though the words are sacred, and I can hear his breath catch.

“I love you more than anything else in this world and I promise to stay forever by your side.”

I gently brush my thumbs over his cheekbones and carefully – reverently – press my lips against his again.

 

He doesn't move at first, but then his eyes close and he leans into the touch. Hesitantly.

Like he's not sure what he's doing or what he's supposed to do.

 

Well that makes two of us. I don't even try to understand what's going on anymore. I don't understand myself anymore either.

I think I'm just... going with the flow?

Acting on questionable impulse and hoping for the best?

Something like that.

 

And I can't believe how incredibly... happy? Sad?

I don't quite know what I'm feeling right know, only that it is intense.

A mess of emotions – some of which you technically can't feel at the same time, but I somehow do so anyway – and intense in a way that I don't know how to deal with.

 

Well, when you can't understand anything, just go with it, right?

 

I pull back – slowly – and he opens his eyes. We look at each other for a moment and I'm smiling again and take the time to wipe tear stains and traces of blood from his cheeks.

 

Then something in his gaze shifts, which is really all warning I get before he suddenly throws his arms around me.

Again I'm left blinking in surprise, while he holds onto me tightly – painfully so. He is shaking terribly and presses his face into my neck and – is he crying?

 

Apparently he is and some part of my mind thinks it appropriate to mention that I have never really seen him cry before. Well except for the tears of blood during his temporary madness.

But since there are a lot of unusual things happening today, I guess this isn't all that weird as it normally would be.

 

With only slight hesitation I return the hug and run my fingers through his hair – I think this might be turning into a habit.

 

I have no idea how long we keep standing like this, but it doesn't matter to me either way.

 

We both remain silent the whole time, because I can't think of the right words to say and he doesn't speak either, so instead I try to simply comfort him by being there.

If it is a shoulder to cry on that he needs, I'm happy to give him that, for as long as he wants.

 

Eventually he pulls back enough for us to look at each other, but his hands are still tightly gripping my shoulders.

“Stay – Always”, he whispers, and his eyes are desperate.

“You are to never leave me.”

 

I know what he is thinking about.

Mitsunari-sama lives – has lived – his life for Hideyoshi-sama. And with both his lord and Hanbei-sama gone, he doesn't know what to do.

With their deaths, his world has shattered and he is not sure if he can pick up the pieces.

It makes sense that he is now afraid to be left alone.

 

I smile and brush the tears from his cheeks.

“Of course. I promised to stay forever by your side, remember?”

 

He looks at me for a long moment and whatever it is that he sees in my eyes, it makes him calm down and he nods slowly. “Good.”

 

He steps back, sniffs and rubs his eyes. Then he stares at the ground and scowls and I know him well enough to realize that he is embarrassed by his display of emotion.

I don't even bother trying to hide the stupid grin on my face.

 

“So...”

I start, while I'm trying to get rid of the salty trails on my own face. “Does this mean I can tackle-glomp you from now on without you threatening to cut off my head?”

 

Mitsunari-sama looks up sharply with an expression that not-so-kindly inquires if I am serious. Then he seems to realize that he is dealing with Shima Sakon and narrows his eyes.

“Of course not! What does this have to do with anything?”

 

I laugh – actually laugh despite everything, simply because this kind of exchange is so typical of us.

 

“Alright, alright.” I hold up my hands. “It was worth a try.”

 

He stares at me like he cannot believe my behavior, and then shakes his head, before he looks at the ground again.

 

He has a habit of doing that while he sorts out his thoughts, so I leave him to it and instead sigh and run a hand through my hair.

Which makes me grimace at a sharp twinge of pain and cast a glance at the responsible cut on my arm. I should probably take care of my injuries soon and rest.

 

“What happened to the others?”

 

I glance over to him at the question and respond:

“Well, after the battle against Naotra-chan, we all went to Osaka. When you left for Sawayama, I followed you, but everyone else stayed behind. Gyoubu thought it best not to fight against the Date and Takeda just yet and instead wanted to collect the troops fighting against the Tokugawa and have everyone regroup here at Sawayama Castle.”

 

Mitsunari-sama nods and continues staring at the pavement for a few moments, then he looks up and declares: “We should go inside then.”

 

The thought of food, medical treatment and rest is enough to make me grin again and nod full of enthusiasm.

 

He in turn shifts his weight like he wants to start walking, but then seems to hesitate. He looks at me and frowns contemplatively and I hold his gaze and raise one eyebrow quizzically.

 

By the time I have realized that he is looking at the cuts again, he has already stepped towards me and … hugged me?

 

I wrap my arms around him in return and am feeling considerably lost until my mind manages to translate the meaning of this gesture.

 

Mitsunari-sama is known to be cold and rude to anyone who isn't Hideyoshi-sama or Hanbei-sama.

He doesn't thank others for going out of their way for him and neither does he apologize when he has wronged someone.

When he really feels that he owes someone a thank you or an apology, he will do so not with words, but with small gestures that are overlooked by people who don't know him well enough.

 

I, however, know him better than most, so I understand what he means to tell me, although it is not a small gesture this time.

 

And when realization hits me with a few seconds' delay, I smile, hug him tighter and hum contentedly to let him know that his action is understood and appreciated.

 

He tenses in response and by the time he moves back, clears his throat and won't look at me, my smile has evolved into a full-fledged grin.

 

When he is embarrassed, Mitsunari-sama is almost as adorable as when he is utterly confused.

 

He turns quickly after that, moves to pick up his odachi from its place on the pavement and starts making his way to the castle.

 

I allow myself a chuckle at that and gaze up at the moon as I stroll over to my twin blades and pull them out of the ground.

 

With Hideyoshi-sama and Hanbei-sama gone, the loss of Osaka and the defeat at the hands of the Tokugawa, it will take the Toyotomi some time to get on their feet again.

And in the state he's in right know, Mitsunari-sama is by no means ready to take his place as general.

 

But even with all the sustained casualties, there is still an army left.

Gyoubu is capable of handling all necessary affairs, and with time, Mitsunari-sama will pull himself up again – I will make sure he does.

 

And at least in comparison to what I have faced when I arrived at Sawayama Castle today, things have already taken a turn for the better.

 

“Sakon! Quit dawdling and hurry up!”

Mitsunari-sama barks from the other end of the plaza and I grin as I run to catch up and bounce along next to him.

 

Hey, Fate, maybe you're not so bad after all.

 

But as a gambler, I'm afraid Lady Chance will forever be my favorite.

… right after Mitsunari-sama, of course.

 

* * *

 

 

 

1rabbit facing cavalry: Sengoku Era version of ' like a deer in the headlights'

2A Sun (寸) is a unit of length in the Japanese system of measurement;

it is equivalent to 3,03cm

3A Ri (里) is also a unit of length; it is equivalent to 3,927km

4Tsukuyomi is the moon god in Shinto mythology; he and his sister, the sun goddess, were born from the eyes of the god who created Japan


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